"Someone yelled for paper towels that were absolutely not going to help."

I’m an award-winning writer and editor living in New York City, where I currently work at BuzzFeed as the Senior Lifestyle Editor.

"I saw that once when I was young. Her response was 'You son of a bitch' and she walked out. Turned out they were already engaged, and he did it to upstage his cousin. The relationship ended by the next week."

"To me, this is a key sign for how (un)successful the marriage is going to be. Shoving cake into someone's face is a sign of disdain, disrespect, and is just hateful."

"The venue itself was a gorgeous 5,000-square-foot barn with bathrooms built into the framed walls. Everything was pine wood, beautifully finished. I’m behind the bar, watching the crowd, and about an hour in, I start noticing people acting really strange.

Not drunk, strange. More like… something is very wrong with their internal organs, strange. People were sweating, pacing, disappearing toward the bathroom. Then I noticed water seeping out from under the bathroom wall. At first, I thought a pipe burst, but the water kept coming. Turns out, the venue had low-flow, water-saving toilets, and people were simultaneously vomiting and experiencing other catastrophic digestive events faster than those toilets could flush. So, the toilets clogged, overflowed, and filled the floor drains. The 'liquid' started spreading across the barn floor. Now, combine that smell with the August heat, and suddenly, a new thing happened: Everyone who smelled it started vomiting, too... Like a domino effect.

Guests were slipping around. People were gagging. Someone yelled for paper towels that were absolutely not going to help. At this point, we realized this wasn't alcohol; this was food poisoning. So we go check the buffet. 

The seafood rice had been sitting out all afternoon after a two-hour car ride in the heat. When we lifted the lid, the smell of ammonia was so strong, it nearly knocked us over. That tray had basically become a biological weapon. Most of the adults had eaten it, which explained why all the adults were violently ill. Meanwhile, the children who refused to eat seafood rice were perfectly fine. So while the adults were fighting for their lives in the bathroom apocalypse, the kids had essentially become feral: Some were writing on the interior pine walls of the barn. Others were throwing clothing into the decorative water feature. One group had apparently started small fires outside. An absolute Lord of the Flies situation. 

At this point, the venue owners pulled me aside and said, 'Flip the breaker.' So we shut off the power to the whole barn. Lights out. Music dies. Total chaos. Then I made the announcement: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the venue is now closed.' Three ambulances showed up. Guests were being hauled out. The bride’s ride home got sick, so she ended up driving herself home in her wedding dress. 

On the way home, she got pulled over and arrested for a DUI, which, unfortunately, was her third DUI, turning it into a felony. Now, she was legally unable to leave the country — and their elaborate two-week honeymoon in Dubai? Canceled. 

So, to recap: Food poisoning. Bathroom flood. Vomiting chain reaction. Ambulances. Children committing minor arson. Power shutdown. The bride was arrested in her wedding dress. And that… is the worst wedding I have ever witnessed."

"She was supposed to take them at the end of the night. She had a large van to do just that, but instead, we had to take them up the elevator because we couldn’t leave them out overnight. Some of the floral arrangements were extremely large and heavy, and it took two of us to lift just one of the damned things. Oh, and the bride also damaged the bar by climbing on top of it to dance in her high heels. It was scratched and gouged. I wonder if she’s still married to that guy because she seemed like a real piece of work."