“In my mind, marriage is not about romantic love; it’s a legal tool that aids another human being...”

"We never felt we needed marriage to prove that commitment. We call each other husband and wife, and I even changed my surname because it made life simpler when our children were younger.

A big part of our decision came from what we both saw growing up. Divorce had a really painful impact on both of our families; his dad committed suicide, my mum attempted suicide, and it left both of us feeling that marriage wasn’t something we wanted for ourselves. We’ve also seen many couples around us marry and later separate, so for us, marriage never felt like the thing that would make a relationship strong or lasting.

Early on, we decided that we don’t 'own' each other. We’re together because we want to be, not because we have to be. We give each other freedom, enjoy life together, laugh a lot, and support each other through all the hard and good parts of life — that’s what commitment means to us."

"I knew I was queer from a very young age, and I suppose at some point I internalized that if I did get married one day, it would be for the sake of someone else — by which I mean I would marry to be a beard for a gay man, or marry to help a refugee get them safe citizenship or a better passport, marry someone to get them better credit, tax and housing benefits, etc. I would marry to help someone else. In my mind, marriage is not about romantic love; it's a legal tool that I can use to aid another human being.

I'm now old, and in a long-term relationship (over a decade) with two other wonderful people. None of us need a marriage to validate our love, but as politics change and our hard-earned rights are starting to be chipped away at, every day the concept of marriage feels more and more like a tool I can keep in my back pockets for when we, or someone else, needs it."

"I think because I come from a broken family, I simply don't see the point in marriage, whereas his parents were together until his mum passed away eight years ago, and I think he wants the same for us!"

"I'm seventeen years into a relationship, and my significant other occasionally hints at a wedding, but I think both of us should be able to walk away easily if we ever decide to."

"Now, in our late thirties, we do have more money, and yet, it still seems like a really dumb thing to spend that kind of money on.

We often get asked why we don't just get married at the town hall, and I always answer, 'Why? What's the point? We already are effectively married. We own a house together. We've built a life together, and we're financially intertwined.' Which brings us to our final and current conclusion: marriage is nothing but a religious construct, and we are not religious."

"Yes, it is a potential issue that we wouldn’t be able to pull the plug on the other should that day ever arise, but to me, that’s not enough of a reason to get married.

Also, my partner tried it once and didn’t like it."

"We signed every official piece of paper naming each other as beneficiary, authorized user, health care proxy, co-owner, all of our assets (I think a couple of 30-year mortgages are just as much of a commitment as marriage), everything, and we have all of each other's passwords and share access to all our money.

To people who point out that you can't make end-of-life or healthcare decisions if you're not married, I'm going to say that as a nurse, I have never once asked to see a marriage certificate to prove that. If people are calling themselves spouses, live together, and don't have anyone else listed as a healthcare proxy, then no one is asking, maybe we should..."

"My partner would kill me if she read this, but the heart wants what it wants regardless of logic or this so-called 'sound reasoning.'

Honestly, we'll probably end up getting married at a courthouse next year; she’s already said many times she would be fine with that, but it just doesn’t feel right."

"I've been with my girlfriend for a little over 10 years, and I'm thinking about getting her a promise ring, assuming there are no major blow-ups in the meantime."

"Sure, I’m capable and have the means, but why would I when we’re still going through the 'You’re not my mom' scenario after being together for four and a half years and living together for three and a half years. I was bluntly told that some of the kids won’t speak up and say that they believe I’m replacing their mother, which was never my intention.

So, that holds me back. We had planned to have the wedding ceremony in August, but we postponed, and honestly, it was a massive relief. It’s nothing strictly against my partner; it's just the hostile living environment because the kids don't appreciate him having a partner who also shares some control in the household. I pay towards most of the bills in the house, so I feel like I should have some say at the very least."

"Some of the things I'm worried about are difficult to change through a prenuptial agreement in my country, so the best solution for me to prevent it is not to get married in the first place."

"I have been dating the same person for 17 years now. We met when we were both 21. Our families are connected. I was in the house all through COVID. I have witnessed his life, and he has seen mine equally closely. Neither one of us wants kids. He is my best friend. I wouldn't want to change anything about us."

"I have already given my partner everything I can offer: every aspect of my life has been compromised to make my partner, and our relationship, my number one priority. I did it happily. I'd do it again. I don't feel the need to spend the money, time, and effort on a ring and a ceremony to prove a point that I wake up and choose to make with my actions every single day.

After years of those choices and compromises, I find a wedding to be 100% meaningless. Pinky promising in front of a priest or a state official means nothing to me when compared to the hours spent in hospital waiting rooms, the times when we held each other up at our lowest points, and so on. (Especially in a modern Western world where people don't need a religious framework telling us what is right or wrong. Women are no longer forced by society to be subservient to their husbands and have the legal and financial freedom to be independent whenever and however they want. The institution of marriage is no longer needed to ensure 'purity,' or to secure familial alliances, or to protect the well-being of formerly second-class citizens who weren't always permitted to own their own things and have careers. I understand there are parts of the world where that's still the case; I think those places suck and should be different.)

That turned into a rant, but anyway: My partner and I wrote out detailed wills so our joint life can be easily managed when one or both of us pass on, and that basically solves the only problem that marriage fixes."

"I got pregnant last year but sadly miscarried, and my partner and I agreed that if we have a child, we will have one, but we have no intention of getting married as we don’t have to impress anyone; we love each other and don’t need marriage to show it. 

People criticize us for not being married, which annoys and upsets me as they look down on us for some reason, but I don’t need to end up in debt to show my love."

"Now, even on bad days, I know that I am making a choice to be with my partner, and they are choosing to be with me."

"Anything can be done legally with the right paperwork, so marriage is not needed for any of that. It's a common reason. Love is rarely ever mentioned.

Yes, I know people in other countries don't have to worry about that aspect with health, but I do."

"I enjoy my quiet home, which I own. I don't like cleaning up after other people or having the TV on all the time. I am very territorial about my house, and I know that having a child move here would change the fundamental nature of my sanctuary. 

Maybe someday, after his son grows up, we will get married."

"We have made a point of telling each other that we should only be together until we don’t want to be anymore, and that our relationship should be fun and supportive, and if it starts feeling otherwise, then no one is bound to each other by law.

When we go through tough times, reinvesting in our relationship and working through conflict feels even more satisfying because it’s just for the love of each other, not because it would be hard to separate."

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.