Me at the beginning of this post: 🤨 vs. Me now: 😅

(Don't worry, you'll also get the internet's answers that are wayyyy more enlightening than I could ever be)

Jeez, this thing probably died before the dinosaurs. 

My guess: Ancient reptile that may or may not be an alien

Answer: Part of a dead Atlantic sturgeon

Answer: Most likely an extrusion of plastic pipe (however, some people are convinced it's a dried-up priapulid, which is a sea creature that looks like *surprise* a penis)

I think you know what I'm about to say...

My guess: A certain type of "toy" made for only brave people

Answer: A stylized topper for a decanter 

I would sooooo buy this shit at a thrift store solely because it looks cool.

Answer: A sugar scuttle, used to hold and serve sugar

This is another thing that gives me alien vibes.

This feels like some type of spiritual offering.

My guess: A pumpkin stuffed with sand (?) and coins

Answer: A type of occult practice that serves as a request for prosperity

My guess: Dried-up corncob with a wire attached to it

Answer: Gag gift from the '60s called "Electric Toilet Tissue"

My guess: A mother's baby teeth collection from her (approximately) 12 children

Answer: An antique holder for dental crowns 

Is it too late for the trypophobia warning?

My guess: Bug eggs or some other gross shit

My guess: Nasty ass, bloody beef phlegm 

Answer: A congealed protein matrix due to the collagen in the bone marrow (still nasty when you put it that way)

No shade, but I don't think this sink has ever been properly cleaned. 

My guess: Dawn dish soap expelling itself from the dirty pipes

Answer: Copper corrosion in the plumbing

Imagine walking up to someone as they're taking a photo of your car.

My guess: Some kind of safety feature... I don't know what, but it's something

Answer: A method to keep the broken window from opening on its own

Answer: A hologram fan (why, you ask? I don't know, but they probably think they look sooooo cool)

As a woman, I'm shitting my pants over this.

My guess: Kidnapping device made by ninjas

Answer: Caltrops, which are typically used as a weapon to pierce tires (so lowkey, yes, it could be used as a kidnapping device)

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I'd also freak out over this one.

My guess: A BOMB! ...Or just a container of air, which would make more sense

Answer: A hack to prevent the tire pressure sensor light from going off, where you put the sensors in it and pump it with air to the ideal pressure

I love how these people are so willing to pick up random stuff. 

My guess: Something that pins into the ground somehow, someway (don't ask for further elaboration)

Answer: Propellant for a nail gun (so am I technically right?)

This vaguely reminds me of Cracker Barrel.

My guess: A new version of Peg Solitaire 

Answer: An Amphenol plug, used to seal electrical wire, with silicone filler blanks in it

I feel like this could add to the "life is a simulation" theory. 

Answer: A SATA hard drive that connects to a motherboard of a computer (so close)

It has a carabiner attached, so it must be important.

My guess: A finger guillotine or bottle opener of some kind

Answer: A holder for zip ties, where the spring mechanism (red part) adjusts to the size of the bunch

I could see myself playing with this for approximately five minutes if I found it in my kitchen.

This one makes me feel like a smarty pants. 

Answer: Manual hair clippers (I'm getting good at this, guys)

The more angles I see, the more confused I get. 

My guess: Some type of old-timey tobacco smoking device

Answer: Nut hammer (lol), used to crack nuts

Answer: A Lazy Dog projectile, used by the Air Force (may not be explosive, but it sure as hell can cause mass casualties)

My guess: Mold that suspiciously looks like slime

Answer: A type of mold commonly referred to as "dog vomit slime" (ew, but accurate)

Answer: Two male wasps attempting to mate with the female (larger) wasp

I fear my guess won't be very original for this one. 

My guess: Vial with a crumbly white substance inside

This also gives me asbestos vibes... but in almond form.

My guess: The spider from James and the Giant Peach crawled its way into that almond and died

Answer: Webbing from a bug larva, potentially a moth, that burrowed into the almond

I'd recognize that deliciousness anywhere.

Answer: A piece of a fake flower (damn, I was feeling really confident about this one 😔)

How was this just casually in their gym bag?

My guess: A bag of paper shredded up and turned into a liquid pulp

Answer: A bag of cauliflower rice that the original poster's wife put in their bag 

Answer: Currently unknown (but, deep down, I know)