“Neurologists would whistle like mechanics if they saw your brain.”

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"What do you work as? By chance, anything related to the English language?"

"Look, Chloe ima be blunt. I could yell into a ravine, and the echo I would hear could hold a better conversation than this."

"Somewhere out there, there's a tree that's sole purpose is to replace the oxygen you waste. Go find it and apologize."

"You drive like your patience is shorter than your dick."

"I have two employees that usually leave work at 6 p.m. They are good, but I don't like that their commitment lasts for work hours only. What should I do as a CEO?"

"You should copy and paste this complaint into a table in Microsoft Word 2007, print it double-sided in landscape mode, fold it in half eight times, soak it in olive oil, and shove it up your ass.

"Instead of letting her hair down, she just lets her family down."

"Sometimes I get bored and walk around the Walmart parking lot putting notes on random cars."

"Every night, Satan checks under his bed, confirming that you're not there."

"What the f---? Did you wrestle a South Park character?"

"Neurologists would whistle like mechanics if they saw your brain."

"The hardest I've ever been owned in my life was when I was 21 in Barnes & Noble, and a teenager asked me where the manga section was. I told them, but also said, 'I don't work here.' They looked me dead in the eye and said, 'I know. You just looked like someone who would know.'"

"Hey, I need a favor from your parents. I want to have a handsome baby."

"Can you ask them which position they f----- in so I can avoid it?"

"The rubbery food has made its way to the UK."

"It's half melted, you unsalted pasta water."

"Aye, why this flight attendant told somebody, "There is a $400 fine if you don't wear a mask... And if you had $400, you would be in first class, so l don't recommend it.'"

"My fiancé gets back from deployment in 2 days!!! HOW DO I GET RID OF THESE?"

"Make-up, loads and loads of make-up. Preferably white. Cover the face area as well to match the neck. Get yourself a red nose to finish the cover-up. That way you can look like a clown since your relationship is a f----- joke."

"Mark Zuckerberg always looks like the guy in a zombie movie who's been bitten but is trying to keep it a secret from everyone."

"Grown ass men outside my apartment rn racing each other on foot at 4 in the morning."

"My only talent is breathing. I said this to my mom, and she just said, 'You have asthma, moron.'"

"Condoms are free at campus but printing isn't. So sex is more important than our assignments?"

"Condoms are free because sex can cause serious health issues if it is carelessly done and can kill you as well. Lack of education won't kill you. It'll just make you compare sex to printing."

"When I was 16, my parents commissioned my grandad to paint a portrait of me to raise my self-esteem. It did not."

"If she was a spice, she would be flour."

"I thought I looked nice in my sweater, but my fiancée said I look like a retired member of the X-Men."

"I wish for the ability to switch between normal sight and sight that makes me see all the people that want to have sex with me."

"Granted. You now have the ability to close your eyes."

"INSURANCE ADJUSTER BE LIKE $11.50 BEST I CAN DO."

"They had 30 copies of Fallout 76 before the looting started. After the dust settled, they had 40."

"What do you genuinely not understand??"

"How I get taller and more handsome every time my grandma sees me."

"My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee. Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me, 'That's cute, honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!'"

"People from Wyoming are in my mentions insulting me for dissing their state yesterday and I'm just imagining them furiously riding a horse to a McDonald's in Utah just so they could get wifi and tweet at me." 

"I have never in my life met a feminist and then walked away going 'Wow, that was an incredibly happy person!'"

"This is quite the self-own. Because the common denominator in all these interactions is that they just met you."

"Close your eyes, and you can play any game in your mind, even Paper Mario."

"Close your eyes and imagine yourself being a more likable person, and then open them and weep."

"I'm confused how he's homeless but has a working cellphone."

"You're confused how a home costs more than a phone? Is this your first day on Earth?"

"Y'all. I'm in class. Kids are working, talking, and whatnot. I hear this: 'You're like a plunger. Always bringing up old s---.' I HOLLERED."

"There should be a separate TSA line for people who are apparently experiencing their first day on Earth."

"Started realizing Women appreciate the fact that you made plans sometimes even more than the plan itself... It's the prethought part that has them."

"Tariffs will finally bring some prices down, hopefully, like the iPhone. And a Samsung phone $1000-$1200 is ridiculous."

"Apologies for the very personal question, but were you homeschooled by a pigeon?"

"One time in middle school, I dated a girl for four days, and when she broke up with me, she posted on Facebook: 'Sometimes your knight in shining armor is really just a loser in tinfoil,' and to this day that is the sickest burn I've ever gotten."

"Unnatural hair colors in women are a warning signal to stay away. It's an example of Aposematism-the phenomenon of poisonous animals in nature advertising their toxicity and lethality."

"Aposematism is there to warn off predators, not sexual partners. If you're repelled by it, it's working."

"Rare insults thread I'll start first: be in 6th grade, get 2% on the test, and be nicknamed milk for the rest of the school year."

"Make pronouns illegal. Everyone and everything must be referred to directly by name."

"'Everyone' is a pronoun, you pinecone. Try again."

"Making the jump button anything but the top button should be illegal."

"This is the most disgusting tweet I've ever seen. The orange juice after toothpaste of tweets."

"Thinking about the time I showed my hairdresser the haircut I want and he said, 'Derek, that's the same haircut I give you, that guy is just better looking.'"

"You are despicable. You publicly posted a photo of your son, sobbing because he's been removed from his friends and teachers that he cares for, and who care for him, just to justify your own agenda and pathetic desire for likes and validation. I don't know if you're uninformed, ignorant, or just a narcissist (my vote is on all three). You're severely doing wrong by your son (and other children he comes into contact with) by dismissing medical science and being an anti-vaxx ankle. And by ankle, I mean three feet lower than a c---. Your son deserves better. You give the title of 'mother' a bad name."

"Please know, if you're someone who brings a book to the bar... nobody likes you."

"How much of your life, expressed as a percentage, have you spent gesturing for women to take out their earbuds?"

"29 Little Hacks That Could Save Your Life."

"Is that a f------ Game Boy cartridge case?"

"This is a legit life hack because keeping a condom in your wallet is bad news. The friction from it being in your pocket or jostled around wears down the leather and can cause it to tear. If you keep one on you in a Game Boy cart case, that won't be an issue because no one will have sex with you."

"Kids form human arrow to point police chopper toward suspects on the run."

"What kinda snitch ass Children of the Corn type s---..."

"The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in Hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil."

"OP, this is such a raw line, what the f---."

"What's the worst lie you were told as a kid?"

"My mom would always tell me I was the 'easiest physical birth out of all of the kids.' I felt proud until, at the age of 18, I was told I was adopted."

"Judge Judy: If you were the trophy at the end of my race, I would walk backward."