"Whose Voice Is That?": Women Are Sharing When They Realized Their Mom Was Their Biggest Hater

“As I was ranting about the negative voice in my head, my therapist asked, ’Whose voice is that?’ I burst into tears when I realized it was my mom’s.”

Warning: This post discusses child abuse — physical, emotional, and verbal — eating disorders, pregnancy loss, and sexual assault. Please read with discretion.

"Growing up, I wasn't allowed to wear stylish clothes and was bullied constantly over hand-me-downs. I didn't get to choose my prom dress — I picked one I loved, and she said, 'No, we're getting this one,' and grabbed one off the clearance rack.

I was also bullied on the bus to the point where I would cry and throw up before school every day. When I finally refused to ride it, she made me sit outside the school alone for two hours after dismissal every day until she picked me up. I was very much aware that I was the reason teachers didn't get to go home on time.

In my 20s, I applied to law school and took the LSAT. She completely ignored it. I could mention it, study in front of her — it didn't matter. I went through the entire process, got accepted and enrolled, and she never acknowledged or congratulated me.

In my 30s, she saw me in a two-piece at the pool when I was in great shape and said, 'Soon you're going to get fat and won't be able to wear that anymore.' After I stopped seeing a guy I briefly dated in high school, she emailed him to tell him what a 'fine young man' he was, and that I was dumb and would regret my decision."

"I'd cried a lot before, but in that moment, I pitied her. She was always going to have a problem with me, and wouldn't be happy unless she felt like she was better than me. Sick, for a grown woman to be in competition with her 16-year-old daughter — for what?

When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant, and despite my better judgment, I reached out to her for advice and support. The first thing she did was laugh and say, 'You're going to get fat again!' At that point, I had pretty bad bulimia, and her sole obsession with my weight crushed me. That pregnancy did not pass 14 weeks, and shortly after, I moved away. We barely spoke for the next six or seven years."

Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here. 

If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.

For help and support, ANAD’s eating disorder helpine is 1-888-375-7767

StopBullying.gov is an organization that provides resources to prevent harassment and bullying against children. Stomp Out Bullying offers a free and confidential chat line here.