“Red flags can vary from incredibly abusive and obvious to subtle and rather covert,” said Amy Fielder, a certified trauma support specialist and holistic life coach.

• Apologizing in the moment, but repeating the same behavior later. 

• Saying 'I understand' but not adjusting anything moving forward. 

• Short-term effort with no follow-through.

What's confusing about this particular flag is that it may feel like "repair" is happening, but due to inconsistency, the lack of actual change eventually creates "confusion" within the nervous system.

"The nervous system doesn’t anchor to words alone nor does it track intent; it tracks patterns," said Amy. "Therefore, without consistent follow-through, trust doesn’t build in the relationship and safety won't be felt."

• The conversation turns into how you said it instead of what happened. 

• Saying things like, "You could’ve brought that up differently."

• Focusing too heavily on your tone, timing, or delivery instead of the actual behavior.

When this occurs, the original issue gets lost, teaching the nervous system that speaking up leads to scrutiny and not understanding.

"I see people in these situations start second-guessing themselves before they even speak, or worse, anxiously preparing a script, or even asking me to script it for them because they feel they're walking on eggshells," Amy said. Instead of repair, the conversation focuses on semantics rather than the issue.

• Taking one moment and making it about who they are.

“The conversation shifts away from the behavior and instead focuses on reassuring the person,” said Amy. 

This dynamic makes honest feedback difficult, as the conversation escalates instead of resolving. Accountability gives way to reassurance, and the real issue goes unaddressed.

• "That's not what I meant, so it shouldn't feel that way."

"This goes beyond minimizing a reaction," Amy said. When the internal experience is questioned, it "challenges" the perception of what really happened. The dangers of this can lead to "self-doubt" and even lead to questioning your own "memory and lived experiences." 

• The conversation shifts to what you did wrong or have done wrong in the past. 

• 'You started it, so I finished it' (to justify the behavior).

When blame shifts during conflict instead of taking ownership, it can leave the other person feeling "mischaracterized or attacked," even when they’re trying to address an issue clearly. 

The nervous system will start to feel unsafe, and this behavior often causes people to "self-blame" and "self-abandon."