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This is not unreasonable — my birthday is coming up. September is practically here, Christian.

See Christian? I want responsible stuff. This is a gift for BOTH of us.

Promising reviews: "My sister and I spent a solid 15 minutes girl-giggling and decorating our toilet bowls… I have no idea how well these hold up, but the initial joy was worth it. They seem to be good consistency and stamped easily. The fragrances are pleasant and fresh." —Christin

"This toilet gel stamp kit is a convenient way to keep my bathroom smelling fresh between cleanings. The fragrance is strong enough to mask odors without being overpowering. For the price, you get great value with 60 applications. They stick well and last through multiple flushes. This is still an easy, affordable way to maintain a cleaner-smelling toilet. Would recommend for anyone wanting a low-maintenance freshness boost!" —SimpleStyleMe

Get it from Amazon for $14.99 (available in two sets).

Look, Christian, I know you're squeamish around blood. And I KNOW you close your eyes during almost every scene from The Pitt, but look at that little blood bag hair clip and try to tell me I don't need it. Oh, wait, you can't.

Promising review: "I got the tooth one, and it is the cutest claw clip. I have thick, long hair, and it holds my hair up perfectly and feels sturdy. It feels like a really good claw clip, and I will definitely be putting this one on rotation for work." —Veronica

Get it from Amazon for $12.98 (available in 19 styles).

Christian, I promise that if you get me this, I'll eat more than iced coffee for breakfast. I PROMISE.

Check out a TikTok of the Beast Blender in action. 

Here's what BuzzFeed Shopping editor Maitland Quitmeyer — who has used it to make crepe batter, thick smoothies, and crushed ice — has to say about it: "If you like to start your day with a smoothie, like whipping up not-huge amounts of blended sauces or soups, or just hate dealing with (and washing) a full-size blender, the Beast Blender really might be the perfect one for you." Check out her full review of the Beast Blender for more deets! 

Get it from Target (available in four colors) or Amazon (available in two colors) for $149.99.

Sorry. I had to. Also, I have to own this because I want to sparkle. Inside *and* out... amiright, Christian?

Promising review: "I can’t believe how long this has been around! I tried Glossier’s Futuredew and realized it felt sort of too oily (and too expensive) for me. This product is SUCH an amazing duplicate that is slightly better! It’s not oily, but provides lightweight shimmer that I mix with my sunscreen for extra sun protection with some highlight effects. I love this! Does not make my super sensitive skin break out or feel oily like the Futuredew did." —e_whospends_money

Get it from Amazon for $13.98+ (available in five shades and in pairs).

Hey Christian, remember when I tried to get you to read this back in 2007 and you WOULDN'T? You can fix that! Buy this for me (you) now.

Promising review: "The special edition is so pretty! I’m a huge Twilight fan, so when I saw those magic reveal edges, I knew I had to have this. It’s honestly even better in person. Is it very Twilight aesthetic? Not really, but it’s so pretty I don’t even care. 🫣 I love the girly flower pop feel." —Jessica

I read 72 books last year (including War and Peace), and I really want everyone to know that. I'd also like to let Christian know that I want this stamp. The two things are related.

Promising review: "This is a great addition to my book collection. Stamp quality is amazing. The price is perfect. I love the font. It’s a perfect size to fit near my books." —Paiser

Get it from Amazon for $16.99 (available in 16 styles).

Dear Christian, I *almost* bought this for myself the other day, and I did not. I regret that decision. I am now allowing you to get it to me as a Mother's Day gift. Otherwise, I shall purchase it myself. Much love, Mallory.

Get it from Outdoor Voices for $118 (available in sizes XS–XL and also in polka dots).

Okay, Chris, I *did* just buy this one for myself. But only in one color. I could have more! Should, even!

Promising reviews: "Worth the money!! So glad I bought this precious dress!! Looks like a much more expensive brand! Nice thick material, vibrant color, and a perfect fit! I wore this with my cowboy boots and got so many compliments! No stretch to the material, but it didn’t wrinkle." —Lisa Lambert

"Cute dress. Sleeves are structured and puffy. Perfect in the spring/summer but also great with high boots and a thin turtleneck in the fall... Very versatile."  —Shelly

Get it from Amazon for $36.99 (available in women's sizes S–L and nine colors).

Promising review: "I used to be a normal person. I’d pour regular maple syrup on pancakes like a peasant, not knowing that a sparkly revolution was waiting for me in a tiny, magical bottle from Vermont. Then someone gifted me a sampler of Runamok Sparkle Syrup. Cute, I thought. Novelty, I assumed. WRONG. That was the day my taste buds were bedazzled, and my breakfast standards skyrocketed beyond repair. This syrup glistens like it was hand-harvested from a unicorn’s tears. It turns pancakes into a party. Waffles into wizardry. Coffee? Now it’s a glittery potion of joy. I put it on fruit just to make it feel fancy. I even caught myself contemplating a drizzle on roasted carrots. (Don’t judge me, I didn’t do it. Yet.) Yes, it’s pricey. But so is therapy. And honestly, this syrup might be cheaper in the long run. Buy it. Ruin yourself for lesser syrups." —Eric

Get it from Amazon for $20.49 (also available in several non-sparkly flavors).

These are made with a textured cotton and linen blend and include heading tape. They are also made to keep folks from seeing inside your house. Which would be convenient for us, Christian, because you know I am currently the village naked neighbor. These curtains could fix that. Wearing clothes around the house? Certainly not that.

Promising review: "Love the pattern and the material. The colors are gorgeous. Paired them up with Silverlonn curtains." —Jean

Not only that, this vet-backed system claims to aid in urine marking, fighting and aggression, furniture scratching, excessive meowing, hiding, and hissing. Gee, who does that sound like, Christian? Our cat, Chuck? The one we have because you won't let me have a dog? Yeah. Let's buy the plug.

Promising review: "I bought this for my cats, and I’m very happy with how it worked for my babies. I have four girls, and sometimes they get agitated or argue with each other. After a few days of using the diffuser, I noticed they were calmer together. At first, they were curious and kept going near it, but then I started seeing a more peaceful atmosphere at home. The product feels good quality, it’s simple to use, and I love that it comes with an extra refill. When my cats are happy, I’m happy! 😻 I definitely recommend it." —Aline Falzone

Christian, we both know which toddler I am talking about up there. It's ours. The one I birthed for you. I deserve some shatterproof glasses.

Promising review: "I love the colors. These stack well and are compatible with other stacking glass cups. Dishwasher safe. Good value." —MmeP

Christian, you and I both know you are the baker in this relationship. This is a gift for you, for me, so I can enjoy more baked goods. Everyone wins!

Promising review: "This scale with a built-in cup is the best thing for my baking tools. No more whipping out 1,000,000 cups. Also, [rather than] always trying to figure out grams or cups, now I just press a button, and it tells me. I love this." —Corin lonigro

Get it from Amazon for $22.98 (available in three colors).

If I could marry this hand soap, I would, because I want us to share a long and happy life together. Instead, I am married to you, Christian...but you can *buy* me this hand soap. Fancy that.

Promising review: "This is worth every penny. You won't be disappointed. The smell is amazing, and it leaves my hands clean but not dried out. The fragrance keeps me buying for years to come." —Vicki Aukerman 

Get it from Amazon for $36 (available in four scents).

Christian, Christian, Christian, don't worry. I know you think this gift won't be complete without the iconic coffee mug. I've got you. You can pick one up for $17.99.

Promising review: "My mother absolutely loves Waffle House, and we don’t have any close to us. We made the waffles exactly as the package instructed, and they were amazing! They tasted just like Waffle House! They were light and fluffy but needed time to prep overnight." —Kristin Dravus

Promising review: "I brought this with me on a camping trip in the Colorado mountains. Once the hummingbirds discovered the feeder, they were around it constantly. After one day, they would come to the single-ring feeder held in our hands. It was so fun getting to see the hummingbirds up close." —Debbie B.

Get it from Amazon for $6.99+ (available in eight colors and in sets).

Christian, you and I both know we won't rest (literally) in our new place until we replace the crummy AC units with Windmills again.

Windmill is an independent AC brand boasting three generations of family knowledge in the air conditioner business, with an updated design worth appreciating.

Promising review: "Not only is this unit sleek and discreet looking, but it is also so quiet and works so well! It keeps our room so cool. So happy we got this. Such a huge plus that you can control it from your phone as well as the remote!" —Chelsea G.

Get it from Windmill $369+ (available in four BTU levels). 

Christian, I really love the candelabras you got me for Christmas, and I would like to keep them up all year long. This is just a gift SHOWING how much I love the gifts you get me. How sweet is that?

BTW, each pack includes adjusters in case your candle holders run large.

Promising review: "These are multi-functional, timeless, and well-made. I’ve been using both of these personally and for my company, and I can’t recommend them enough. These vases are a key part of how we display florals in our tablescapes. I love that you can put them into any candle holder and it changes the whole vibe! We use them for both faux and real florals. It’s the perfect combination of functionality and style, and I can always count on them to elevate our designs. Highly recommend! I personally have 12, and I’d love to see these come out in larger sets!" —Sasha Pintos

Get a box of three from Amazon for $30 (available in two colors).

Hey Chris? You know how you want to keep all those Star Wars Lego sets, and I say you're killing our home with your boy aesthetic? I've found a solution.

(Just kidding, everyone — Christian has really good taste. Other than the Lego nonsense. But see, I've solved that problem! Thoughtful!)

Promising review: "Exactly as pictured. It looks nice and high quality. Assembly was pretty easy, and the needed tools were included. Very well and carefully packaged, it arrived in perfect condition. I love the size, design, and functionality. I got it to store glasses by my water cooler, and it’s perfect with the adjustable shelf. Overall — love it!" —Pamela H.

Get it from Amazon for $75.99+ (available in five styles). 

Christian, I feel like I've been a little bossy. I threw in a dad joke here, special for you. I love you. ...and don't YOU love this duck print?!

This small business is located in California and is owned by Sienna, who specializes in ultra-colorful, quirky prints. 

Promising review: "Nice quality and an adorable print!" —TW H

Get it from Terra Cotta Noon on Etsy for $42.75+ (originally $57+; available in seven sizes and three finishes).

Don't worry, Christian, you know that you (and Hollander and Rosanov) are my one true love(s). 

This small biz is based in Istanbul. The shop specializes in custom, framed prints.

Get it from Atelier Fernando on Etsy for $42.50+ (originally $50+; available in 12 sizes, with or without a frame).

Promising review: "This is a new favorite in the office candy dish. Everyone was so excited to see these and commented on the nostalgia from these 'grandma candies' and how good they tasted. They said they are hard to find, and several people asked where I got them and what they are officially called. These were fresh (not sticky and stale), well packaged, and tasted exactly as they should. I’m definitely restocking when I run out." —Andrea Raney

Hey Christian, do you like it when I make dinner? You DO? Help me help you get fed, and hook me up with this rice cooker. Thanks, you're a doll.

Promising review: "OMG, this is a must-have. I can't believe it took me this long to get a Zojirushi. We use it almost daily for steel-cut oats, for which it is perfect. We've also started really getting into bowls for dinner, so we use it 2–3 times a week to make barley, millet, basmati brown rice with saffron, or quinoa. We've mostly used the porridge, brown rice, regular, and occasionally quick settings, but we might play with more. The bowl has a great non-stick coating. I can't recommend it enough." —Mira Krishnan

Get it from Amazon for $219+ (available in two sizes and two colors).

I have done such a good job keeping my Lenox spice collection desires at bay. But the time has come, Christian. Mother's Day is so soon, and I *know* our daughter wants to get me this. By the way, it's dishwasher safe! Now we HAVE to get it!

Promising review: "Gorgeous. It matches my original Spice Village so well. It looks beautiful on my table." —SW

Look, man, I want our kid to be the cool kid. 

Promising review: "I just love this. It offers me some reassurance as she learns her balance on a board and gives me control so she doesn't start off by going too fast." —Sabrena Donohoe

Get it from Ookkie for $139.99 or from Amazon for $149.99 (available in six colors).

Christian, the Razr was my first phone ever, and *you* were one of the first people I ever texted from it. That's cute. So is this. Time to gift me some nostalgia! 

BTW — this is compatible with Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile, and other prepaid carriers. It has over 36 hours of battery life on a full charge. The ultra compact design includes screens that work even when closed — you can actually dive into apps from the front of the closed screen. 

Promising review: "Great form factor. My first foldable phone in the smartphone era, and I love it. It is easy to slide into my pocket when folded, and it has a large enough screen to use once unfolded. Battery life is great. The outer screen quality is very good and works well with most apps, except the Authenticator app. It is very nice to have tap pay with Google wallet (and EV charging app, and Google map, and calendar) to work perfectly with the phone folded. The camera is also quite good. This does not have a telescoping camera, but I am fine with that. The hinge motion is smooth and steady, and I would not worry about the reliability of the Titanium hinge in three years." —Shawn

Get it on sale from Amazon for $799.99 (available in four colors).

I know you don't drink coffee, Christian, but I swear I'll drink enough for the both of us. It's worth the counter space. Just imagine my happy face when I open this up! Now that's worth all the counter space in the world.

This comes with a five-year warranty. If you want a long-lasting option that also LOOKS lovely, you can't top this. There are so many colors to choose from, you're sure to find the one that makes you smile the most when you greet it in the morning.

Promising review: "I thought I made a decent cup of pour-over coffee. I thought so until I had my first cup from this machine! It’s incredibly smooth and delicious. I don’t have time for manual pour-over in the morning, but I didn’t want cheap drip coffee. This maker fits the bill! So quick and easy to use. The price was my holdout for a while, but I’m so glad I bit the bullet and bought it. I’m the only coffee drinker in my house, and I make just one cup per day. Very happy with it!" —Lindsey Stout

Get it from Amazon for $308.95+ (available in 23 colors).

Dude, we are already running out of outdoor activities, and summer is creeping its way in. Gift me this, and I'll take the kid out so you can nap, I promise. 

Dreamer Kids is a family-owned small biz that sells unique wooden toys for kids.

FYI: This kit requires some assembly and includes 10 plastic flowers.

Promising review: "We love it! We enjoyed the plastic flowers that came with the kit, but had the most fun when we started putting in natural objects —flower petals, tiny ferns. Lots of creative play ahead." —martharich3

Get it from Dreamer Kids on Etsy for $60.11 (originally $70.72; available with two quote options or no engraving).

I thought it was impossible to forget about bread...and YET. Plus Christian, YOU are the one who makes our bread. It deserves to be on display! In fact...forget this one. I'll buy it for you for your birthday. You're welcome!

Promising review: "LOVE!! Bread has to be transported frozen to our town. Because of this, our bread gets super moist, molds quickly, and even gets soggy inside the bag before using it. This bread box really helps! Now, I have DRY STORAGE for my bread, and it doesn't mold within a few days of buying it. This works great and looks great! Nice to have an organized place for all my bread loaves." —AkLiz2011

Get it from Amazon for $69.97+ (available in four colors).

Christian. You, me, and this picnic basket. You get the basket, I'll get the babysitter. See you at the park.

Promising review: "This is the cutest picnic basket! I have used it for various events. It's super cute, and the quality and storage are a plus." —Pamela Guerra

Get it from Amazon for $33.99+ (available in seven styles).

This is IP44 waterproof certified, meaning it can withstand splashes of water. DO NOT put this in the water with you (for so many reasons), but it's totally okay if it gets a little water on it as long as it doesn't fall in. Whether on top of your shower or on a bathroom sink, it's gonna be bright enough to light up your life.

Hear one TikToker's thoughts on the shower lamp here.

Promising review: "I bought this for my bathroom because the one light is super bright and it's too much in the mornings. I still needed some light, so I looked into a lamp like this over some kind of night light or plug-in lamp. I bought this because the reviews were promising, and so far I'm really happy. I charged it when it arrived a week ago, and haven't needed to charge it again yet. I love the warm, but not yellow-y light it emits. The lamp also seems really sturdy, as if I knocked it off the counter, it would be fine. The dimming function is great, no flickering, and I'm really happy the lamp 'remembers' the brightness level it was last on. It says waterproof, and I haven't tested that, but the charging port plug seems to seal really well, so I'm not nervous to have it on the bathroom counter or right next to the shower. My one complaint is that the wood grain color appeared different on my computer than in real life, and it's a little more reddish in person. However, I like this lamp so much I've been moving it to my desk to use in the evenings, so I may just buy another one that matches my bathroom better and leave the wood colored one at my desk." —Syd Smith

Get it from Amazon for $29.99+ (available in five colors).

Why WHOMSTEVER COULDEST THAT BE, Christian?!

Creed Revival is a UK-based small biz that specializes in laugh-out-loud home decor.

Promising review: "Love this cute sign! High quality. Comes with an adhesive strip across the bottom, which was great. Love seeing all my visitors make their dramatic exits, even a repairman! I would not hesitate to buy from this seller again." —C M

Get it from Creed Revival on Etsy for $18.34+ (available in 13 colors).

Reviews in this post have been edited for length and/or clarity. 

BuzzFeed Shopping is service journalism first: our writers and editors spend all day shopping so you don’t have to, vetting products, fact-checking brand claims, and surfacing what actually helps in real life. We center readers over revenue, recommend products with authenticity (using real experiences, not ad-speak), and reflect our diverse audience, inclusive of a variety of price points, people, and needs. We cut through fake deals, favor useful info over glossy fluff, and recommend both budget and splurge options with context so you can decide what’s right for you — and still have a little fun along the way.

Mallory Mower has been a BuzzFeed Shopping writer since 2017, with a focus on unique, practical products, up-to-date parenting finds, and up-and-coming home decor.